On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. 
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. 
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Here are the challenges:
~ Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes
~ There is no access to fast food
~ Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
~ There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
~ The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done 
~ The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
~ They must attend weekly PTA meetings, clean up after their sick children at 3 am, make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla, and one Magic Marker, and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to go back to his job.

~ Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
~ 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
~ 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
~ Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
~ Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
~ Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
~ 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
~ Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
~ 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
~ Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
~ Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)
~ 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
~ 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
~ 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
~ 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
~ 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
~ 10 cards: 1 decacards
~ 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
~ 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
~ 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
~ 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
~ 10 rations: 1 decoration
~ 100 rations: 1 C-ration
~ 2 monograms: 1 diagram
~ 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
~ 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
~ 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches.
Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.
"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, 
"One... two... three... four," it said.  Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! 
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. 
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street! 
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? 

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were exactly right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath.'"

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget.
Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up."
"Okay," he said.
"...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too," she added. "You'd better write all this down."
"I won't forget!" he said.
Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.
She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget."
"What did I forget?" he asked.
She replied, "My toast!"

Reading in a boat

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

The Funeral

A Minister was asked to officiate at a funeral on the very day that he arrived in town.
He knew nothing about the deceased man and, standing beside the coffin, he explained that he'd just come to his new community and found the situation a bit awkward. He asked the small group who had gathered to pay their final respects if there was someone who would like to deliver a eulogy.
There was a stony silence. After waiting a few moments, he asked again if someone would like to say a few words about the deceased. Again there was not a sound and, very embarrassed now, the Minister said pleadingly, 'Surely someone could say a few kind words about our departed friend.'
With that, an anonymous voice came from the back of the assembled gathering: 'His brother was worse!'

The Live Nativity

"A few years ago, several churches in my town decided to celebrate the birth of Christ by putting on an interactive reenactment of Joseph and Mary's Journey to Bethlehem in one of our local parks.  
"With three of my children, then ages 7, 5, and 3, I joined a small group of modern day visitors who were escorted through the park by costumed locals playing first century Jews. I knew my oldest two children were familiar with the story of Jesus' birth, but I wasn't sure how much Christopher, my three year old, understood. He has PDD, NOS, a form of autism, and his language skills were significantly delayed.
"We were in one family's tent when a Roman soldier told us that we must all go to our home cities to be counted. Michael, my 5-year-old, was very frightened, but Christopher, my three year old, grabbed my arm and said, 'It's okay, Mommy.' 
"We quickly left for Bethlehem with our Jewish hosts, and along the way, we met shepherds and angels who told us the Nativity story. We eventually arrived at the manger, marveling at Mary, Joseph, and the newborn Jesus surrounded by cows, sheep, and other barnyard animals.
After a local pastor led us in some Christmas carols, we reflected on the scene before us with reverential awe. I was amazed that even Christopher seemed to grasp the meaning of the display.
""Then, just before the pastor issued an altar call, my darling 3-year-old chose to sing a song of his own:

" 'Old Macdonald had a farm . . .' "

The pastor was doing is weekly "children's message" with the children gathered around him down front. He was talking to the youngsters on their level about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" one of the girls cried out enthusiastically.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" the preacher asked thoughtfully.
"Dead!" yelled one of the boys.

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!" "All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"

The Problem with Counseling

A man walked into a restaurant and ordered a glass of milk. He took a sip of the milk, then tossed the remainder into the waiter's face. Before the waiter could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to waiters. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the waiter was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the waiter said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the waiter, and left.
The waiter smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the waiter asked, serving the glass of milk. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the milk. Then he threw the remainder into the waiter's face.
The flustered waiter wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the milk in my face again!" The waiter exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

And So With You

The Church members were accustomed to always answering with "And so with you" when the pastor offered a blessing during the morning service. But, one day, he was having problems with his microphone causing an awkward moment.
The Pastor said, "God bless all those with a meek spirit"
The members responded, "And so with you"
Then there was a long silence as the pastor fumbled with the microphone in an effort to get it to work, The microphone started working just as the pastor said "This thing isn't working"
The congregation responded as was the custom: "And so with you.
The sermon resumed about ten minutes later after everyone quit laughing.

Don't Despair: God Works in Mysterious Ways

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

Church Behavior

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

The dietitian

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake.

The Kid and the Preacher

We knew Hannah didn't understand my title when her mom pointed me out one day at Wal Mart and from two aisles away she sang out, "Hi Creature, Hi Creature."
Once she got a year of so older and learned my actual title, she walked up to me one Sunday, pointed to my bald head and asked, "Preacher, do you know what they call two flies on your head?" I answered, "No Hannah. What do they call them?" She replied with a giggle, "Homeless!"

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other... "Be Smart, Don't Start."

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."

Boy Scouting

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home..."

DIVINE TECH SUPPORT

"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that." "What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"Well, my son always saves, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to,  but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt  not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say goodnight, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

Freedom?

There is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Greg and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.
The doctor came out and motioned for Greg to come in for his questioning.
When Greg came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Greg you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Greg nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Greg if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Greg answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Greg knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. 
When Greg got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
  The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Greg. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" 
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "My hat would fall down over my eyes!"

Old Age

Three elderly ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." 

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood." As she rapped her knuckles on the table, she told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

	Some Pig (This joke is dedicated to the first person that I ever heard tell it - Judy Russell Goobie. If you are out there, and reading this, and you know her - let me know ;)!) Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" "Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!" "And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!" "So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life." "And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."  "OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?" "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"
	PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared  or the test. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home! EXERCISE #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.  Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. EXERCISE #2: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for ten seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. EXERCISE #3: Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram. Isn't it fun to be a woman?
	ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts, Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And my bra I always wore. After 30 years of astute care, My Doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that lump. "Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine." She stepped upon a peddle. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vice! My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath", she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that was good", I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's have a go at the other one". Lord have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she's never had this done, Not to her tender little hide! If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow! This machine was designed by man, Of this I have no doubt, I'd like to stick his balls in there. And see how they come out!
	THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Pirates A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling about their adventures on the seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"  The pirate replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?" "Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" said the sailor. "And how did you get the eye patch?"  "A seagull-dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.  "You lost your eye to a seagull-dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.  "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."

Fleas?

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out  of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Labels

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

  How did you know?" his mother asked.

  "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

God & the Lawn

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

  "Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract  butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back  on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and  saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

Efficiency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

  The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

  The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now _I_ do it in seven."

The biggest lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked  "What are you doing with that dog?" 
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." 
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Ring Bear-er :)

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
  As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Golf, Anyone (This is one of my favorite Golf Jokes ;)

SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
(This one may take a little longer to get) If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.
You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.
You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.
You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold". (we also remember alanis when she was on 'you can't do that on television'!!)
You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.
You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...", and "Kanata". ('but sir, I think he means the village, the people...' haha)
You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter. (oh how I miss the haunting theme music of who's who!)
You participate in Participaction!
You keep fit and have fun until the next time Joanne and Hal are on.
You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
You think Brad Pitt is so-so.
Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on. (no comment!)
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do"
You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.
You think -10 C is mild weather. (isn't it?)
You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
Make yourself at home ....Clean my kitchen!
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.Is it time for your medication or mine?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.  (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on. . .it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt - Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I"m running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me. . . just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind chill is bound to improve"